Blue Barn Farm

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Fall Thoughts

I really should be folding laundry, but instead I am writing this long overdue update. The sun is shining, which in itself is not remarkable, but after a day of solid rain seems miraculous. We are still squeezing our family of six into two rooms. We are still learning and growing and sometimes just plodding through in this life together as a young family. I am still sewing and knitting but not in any extraordinary way. Wiping sticky hands and tables, vacuuming up paper scraps, walking along a gravel road with a stroller and three other sets of small hands picking weeds (flowers), catching snails, soothing midnight tummy aches, making beds, braiding hair…this is the litany of our everyday life. 

 

After giving up social networking, as well as curbing my desire to consistently blog; I sometimes feel small and unimportant. I wonder why it is that we as humans want to feel noticed and vibrant and perhaps even famous in whatever small sphere. I don’t exclude myself but I find the tendency curious. It is difficult to accept my own unimportance in the world and fully embrace my importance within the lives of my own children and husband. It doesn’t feel like enough. Some days, honestly, it feels like a waste. Not because they are not worth every bit of me! But because somehow I have internalized the message that all of my talents, giftings, interests and abilities must be maximized and fully explored in order to live a full and meaningful life. I’m not sure when this happened for me. When did I swallow that lie? Because I do believe that it is a lie. The truth, rather, is that this season is just that…a season. Yet unlike the Fall that will come again next year, my children will never be young again. Watching them grow is a one time deal. Investing in their lives means that I cannot realistically invest in my own potential. I am not advocating that I (or any other young mother) completely abandon individual personhood or interests while raising young children. There is a balance I think….a balance that is more difficult to attain with each child that is added to the family. I strive for that balance, but I do believe that it is impossible to really maximize my own potential without my children paying the price. Something has to be compromised if I am going to fully self-actualize…and that something will inevitably be my kids and family life. That is not a price I want to pay. My own potential is not worth their loss. I am coming to terms with this truth and finding that with the acknowledgement of it comes peace. Contentment sometimes proves more difficult.

 

On another note, we have decided to enroll the three older kids in our local, small, private Christian school. I think it is time. Homeschooling has been so wonderful, but after praying about some of the things that the kids need, we felt that this small school would be a better fit for them. We may homeschool again in the future. I think we will just listen and be attentive to their needs and adjust accordingly. I do know that I have been one stressed out Mama with the demands of homeschooling, raising a needy toddler, sharing a home with another family, general household chores, not to mention starting a new business venture, recovering from a minor stroke, and selling our home. This will be a good thing I believe.

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One comment on “Fall Thoughts

  1. Bonnie Rickards
    October 3, 2012

    I have often wondered if the “cloud of witnesses” could be heard by us, if they wouldn’t be saying things like: “YES !!!!!! HIDE THESE MOMENTS IN YOUR HEART. SLOW DOWN, TAKE A DEEP BREATH, NOW WATCH HOW HIS GRACE IS FLOODING IN FOR YOU. WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MOM YOU ARE. ” And so much more I am sure. I know that I love watching you being a MOM.

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This entry was posted on October 2, 2012 by .
Sanae Ishida

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Wiksten

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

Made By Rae

This WordPress.com site is the bee's knees

skirt as top

suō ergo sum :: i sew, therefore i am

Night Knitter

another knitting and sewing blog

probablyactually.wordpress.com/

where i talk about the stuff i make

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